It’s been awhile. I’m not going to lie. I simply have discovered time is at a premium and there is a lack of it to go around.
To quote Jessie Spano: “There’s no time! There’s never any time!”
Work is demanding. It’s always demanding. Home life is also demanding. I won’t go into the daily schedule, because I did that recently when I talked about Dinner with Twins.
Last week work was super demanding. There was a lot going on. First off, I was in depositions that had the potential to last for 12 hours a day for the entire week. My mom and sister agreed to pick up the slack and help with the kids by keeping them while I was travelling daily. On Sunday evening, my mom picked up the twins.
And they were happy to leave me. Which was good. We talked about how mommy has to work and how much I would miss them but I would be home before they knew it.
Monday’s depositions came and went. That day did last almost 12 hours, but we finished more depositions than we thought we would. It started to look like I would be home by Thursday afternoon.
On Tuesday we finished a lot more and it started to look even better – we would finish on Wednesday. Tuesday was also a big day. The Princess went into labor early that morning and by early evening she had a baby. I spent time with her, her husband and baby G that night before heading home to get ready for a Wednesday full of depositions.
I got home Wednesday and asked my mom to bring the girls home. And she did.
They were so happy to see me. We laughed, we played, we ate dinner together and they went to bed.
The next morning we did our daily routine. The girls said little about my absence.
On Friday, as I was getting them ready, Little G looked at me and with sad eyes said to me:
“Mommy, I wish you didn’t have to work so much. Why do you work so much? I still love you though.”
My heart broke.
I knew she realized I wasn’t there. I knew she knew I was gone.
I tell myself it’s good that I work. I tell myself it’s good for the girls to see their strong, independent mother going to work, wearing her “power suits” and making a difference. I tell myself I am setting them up to be strong, independent women. I tell myself that they will forget that I wasn’t home all the time and will appreciate the time we spend together, when we get it.
But telling myself that does not help when my three year old looks at me with those eyes. It doesn’t help when I realize their daycare/preschool teachers know more about their daily lives than I do. It doesn’t help when I realize those same women spend more waking hours per week with my beautiful daughters than I do.
But, for me, there’s no other option. I can’t quit work and stay home because we need my income. We need me to go to work every day. And after investing 10 years into this career, I can’t imagine walking away even if we could afford it.
So, for us, there will simply never be any time. I’ll balance things the best I can and I will love my daughters with all the love in the world. I’ll make our days together fun. And one day, maybe not for many many years, my daughters will learn that I didn’t work because I didn’t love them, I work because I do love them.